Malcolm Turnbull is our Prime Minister! He doesn’t get elected the way a president does (getting less votes than his opponent), instead he gets chosen to lead the party by the party (Liberals – the conservatives. It’s confusing to Americans I know but just remember that this is the land down under where things are topsy turvy) and then must get elected in his own electorate in his own right. He does this by making sure to never tackle housing affordability because his electorate is full of rich fucks.
He might just be the first Prime Minister to serve a full term since 2007 but fingers crossed.
He rose to power off the back of Tony Abbott, which was made easier by the good firm grip he had on the knife he placed there.
His kinks are:
Taking public transport to give off the illusion of not being disconnected from the ordinary Australian despite being the richest currently elected politician in Australia
Being vocally critical of his party until he got in charge of it so he can backflip on everything he’s ever pretended to care about
Building shitty infrastructure projects that blow out of budget by billions and are headed by CEOs who don’t understand the product their providing (*cough* NBN *cough*)
This is The Devil. He is in charge of ensuring refugees are tortured and detained indefinitely in island prisons where we paid foreign governments to store them. You’d think that is an exaggeration, or that the following photo is photoshopped. It is not. He is true evil. His entire department is growing increasing power to deport whoever he wants, increase police powers, and campaigning to stoke the flames of racism.
His kinks are:
Not understanding empathy
Human rights abuses
Curvy potatoes
This is Tony Abbott. He used to be the Prime Minister of Australia before he became so incredibly unpopular his own party thought “fuck. This guy is a wreck. Look, he’s superglued his hand to his face for the fifth day in a row.” They ceremoniously kicked him out of the position of PM, replaced him with Malcolm Turnbull, then narrowly avoided defeat in the next election by 1 seat. Yeah. We can do that. We can remove leaders in power with ease and 0 bloodshed. Bet America is real jealous of that thing huh?
He used to be a boxer, wanted to be a priest, but then something went horribly wrong and he went into politics and Australia has suffered ever since.
He decided to go back to being an MP and stay in government, a fact he’s made everyone painfully aware of by interjecting every now and then to go “well, actually, uh, if I were still Prime Minister….”
His kinks are:
Budgie smugglers
Hating the LGBTQIA+ community
Destroying any hope our country has of combating climate change
This is Barnaby Joyce. He used to be the Deputy PM and leader of the Nationals, which are a conservative country-focused party that is most commonly seen latching onto the Liberals to form the Coalition because neither of them have been popular enough to form government outright except about 2 or 3 times in Australian history. Joyce, pictured below trying to call up whatever is left of his integrity and getting a “number not found” signal, had to resign as leader because he cheated on his wife and had a baby with a staff member. This had closely been preceded by a scandal where it was discovered he was a Kiwi this ENTIRE TIME.
He’s been replaced by Michael McCormack.
His kinks are:
Lecturing others about the “sanctity of marriage” and “traditional family values” then ignoring these values entirely
Sexy beetroots
Tricking farmers into voting for him then doing nothing to stop climate change destroying their crops
Getting paid to talk about his infidelity
This is Michael McCormack. He’s the current Deputy PM of Australia and advocates for caning children and the death penalty.
His kinks are:
Wait – what??
REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?
Collecting bound volumes of the British newspaper The Times for some fucking reason
This is Bill Shorten. He’s the leader of the opposition which means he leads the Labor Party, the centre-ish (depending on the mood) party. This means every now and then it’ll go “GAYS? WE LIKE THOSE! WE WANT TO GIVE YOU RIGHTS!” followed by “REFUGEES? BACK TO SEA THEY GO! CAN’T GIVE THE COALITION A MONOPOLY ON RACIST VOTERS!” Here he is pictured below feeling unease and suspicion that somewhere nearby a member of his party is secretly advocating for decency and compassion towards a refugee.
His kinks are:
Opposing bills for a while, then giving up
Stifling internal debate in his party about “hey, what if refugees are people?”
Talking about “the working family” lots
This is Richard Di Natale. He’s the leader of The Greens, the left wing party your grandparents warned you about. You know those SCAAARRRYYY immigrants the other people don’t like? He likes them. You know what he’d like as well? For people to be allowed to smoke some goddamn weed.
There was a massive scandal recently where a ton of politicians were found to be ineligible to serve because they’re dual citizens (you can be born overseas and still be a politician you just need to renounce foreign citizenship) and unfortunately this meant 2 of his Senators resigned (though the other parties got hit way harder). This scandal also revealed that Richard’s middle name is “Mario.” Yeah. That’s it.
Unlike in the US, voting for another party besides the main two can actually get people elected. The Greens won’t form government but they sure can block some legislation every now and then.
His kinks:
Hugging trees
Making the trees feel like they’re supported and cared for, like they could really trust him for once even though they’ve been hurt before
Actually caring about human rights
This is a Haunted Trash Bag. She leads the party One Nation (AKA: Pauline Hanson’s One Nation), a far-right extremist political group whose main goal is to flip back and forth between racism and screeching. She was elected briefly in the 90s and then spent about 20 years unsuccessfully trying to get re-elected until recently the country’s hatred of Muslims reached critical mass and she cruised right back in. As her personal motto goes: “if it ain’t white, it ain’t right, and I don’t like it! I just don’t like it! I DON’T LIKE IT!”
Her party attracts the most delusional far-right assholes ever including a guy who mowed a swastika onto his lawn then took a photo of him doing a Nazi salute, a guy who tried to use a hoax study about penises to prove climate change isn’t real, a guy who advocated for killing journalists, a guy who said that welfare is destroying evolution’s ability to weed out the weak, and a woman claiming that marriage equality is the result of a nazi-inspired mind control program. There’s more. There’s waaaayyy more. Holy shit is One Nation the worst.
My favourite part of her political career was when he went to jail. My least favourite part was when she got released.
Her kinks are:
Trying to make you afraid that your Easter eggs are funding Islamic terrorism
Blaming immigrants for problems they have nothing to do with
Saying “I’m not racist, but…” followed by some serious fucking racism
Getting pissed off at her party members the moment they disagree with her and demanding they resign
We have elections approximately every 3 years and we’re due for one sometime in 2019 (there aren’t set dates) so in a year’s time some of these faces could be gone! I certainly hope so.
the1timetraveller 